hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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