I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
