I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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