I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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