Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
