the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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