It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
