he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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