I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
