Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
