I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
