Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
