i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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