Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
