I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
