That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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