She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
