i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We left an ass print on the piano.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
COCAINE IS GR8
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
