I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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