How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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