sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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