So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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