either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
