if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
