you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
