Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
