i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
