Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
