You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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