I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
