I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
