my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
