Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
