She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
