So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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