It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
