The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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