Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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