He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
