My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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