A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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