Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So many bounce houses so little time
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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