I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
