I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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