I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
