Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
