She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
