Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
