3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
