Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
