I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
