That's intense
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
