I'm gonna have a badass scar
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
