my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We have started to decorate penises.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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