Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
