She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
